woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Randomize
