he shaved USA in his pubs
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
i think my cat just said my name.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Randomize
