my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Randomize
