Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
