alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
