I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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