he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
