Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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