The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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