I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Randomize
