it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
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