Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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