remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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