He uses pillows to masturbate.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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