So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
