The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
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