genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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