i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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