My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
