You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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