i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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