I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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