You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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