Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
