I'm so fucking centered right now
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
