Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
