I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
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