Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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