theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
