She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
