every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
