a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
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