Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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