Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
