apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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