My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
