I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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