Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Randomize
