Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
