Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
