i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Randomize
