Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
