Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
