I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
