all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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