Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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