If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
