We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
