for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
