i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
